No News is Good News

It's been eons...I've thought about writing but haven't. Last month was the best January I can remember. I usually have a more difficult time getting into a year, but this one was seamless. I was productive, I've been feeling good, I've been happy. So, not much to write about...

...except, perhaps, that time seems to be speeding up, year by year, faster and faster. So, I'm doing my best to get as much accomplished that pleases me, and find as much enjoyment as possible in every day. It must be working, because I've been making a lot of cool art and having a good time!

My word for this year is "breakthrough" and I think about that every few days if not more often. Mostly, right now, breakthrough is showing up in my pushing myself through internal barriers to trying new things, not letting myself get complacent, not stopping because things don't work out the first or second or third time.

So anyhow, that's all I have to say right now. I'd rather be making art than writing blog posts!

Two Selves

Egad, it's the other end of this month! Where has the time gone! Hope you're all having a lovely holiday season. As usual, I'm glad they're nearly over, although not for any reason in particular. I'm having a quiet time of it all, making a lot of art, and essentially life is no different than it is at any other time of year. It's just all the hubbub out in the world that will soon die down, and that's fine with me. I do have to say, though, that the older I get, the more manageable the holiday season is.

In the past month or six weeks, I've been internally processing some things that I think might have finally gelled for me...I think I'm finally learning that to survive in this world, emotionally, one needs to have two selves -- a "public" self and a private self. And by public, I mean even within the context of an intimate personal relationship. It's taken me 60 years to realize that I can't operate effectively in life with my private self at the helm, not if I want to have a relationship with my partner, not if I want to become and stay employed somewhere, not if I want to get along with various groups of people.

I'm not saying this in a negative way, despite the fact that it sounds like making a decision to censor myself. I'm saying this in a positive way, realizing that my private relationship with myself is worth protecting, that my inside view of things is completely valid for me and that I don't need or want to justify it to anyone any longer. There are things, I'm learning, that just cannot be said in a relationship. And in the long run I don't think it's about the other person, because in a sense other people are interchangeable.

It's about having boundaries at a deep inner level. And it's definitely about self respect and self love. It's about choosing one's battles, so to speak, daily letting go of little things that really are insignificant. And it's also about knowing where to go to get the support one needs on said deep inner level, and that's always going to be with one's best girlfriends!

So I'm in this process of changing my expectations of others in my environment, and letting go of a yearning for a connection at a level that I'm sure I must have imagined before, when there was stardust in my eyes. At the end of the day, a connection of that sort has to be with myself only. I think the true disappointment in this tale would be if I continued on in life without having come to this awakening, and kept putting my deep inner self in harm's way.

As Good A Time As Any

I've been thinking about writing for days...now seems as good a time as any other.

My little cleaning job didn't last very long. The second time I went to Trudy's, she had me cut back some plants outside, then told me I hadn't gotten her kitchen floor shiny enough the week before, and besides, she'd rather pay me half per hour than I charge, and anyway she really wanted someone to "spit shine" her house for 4-8 hours a week. End of story, and it was just as well with me.

I've been in the studio as much as possible, these days. There's not much else I want to do at this point in my life except art.

Hopefully I'll be bringing Kirby home this week, BeeGee's kitten companion. We're all anxious to see how this works out. I know it'll be good for all involved.

A dear friend and I have had a conversation several times over the last couple years, about choices one makes in life. And I've been thinking a lot about that. It's been easy for me to blame life for not meeting my expectations, or for me to feel victimized by the circumstances in which I find myself. It's always seemed as though I've had no other choice but to do what I've done with my life. But that's just the point -- that there has been no other choice but to follow my heart, has been a choice! All of the other options, the ways things might have turned out, were repugnant to me, leaving me with only the path I ended up taking. So the way it is, is, in fact, how I chose it to be!

This is liberating, empowering, and really kind of frightening! Marianne Williamson said something about us not being afraid of failure, but being afraid of how truly magnificent we are.

Anyhow, as a practice, I am trying to live into my magnificence. I encourage you to join me, to live into yours.

Peace & Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Even if you're not in the U.S. and don't celebrate it, now is a good time to give thanks for all the blessings in our lives.

I am especially thankful today, for...

• my sweet partner, Scotty
• our cozy, warm home with the sounds of life emanating from it
• my darling BeeGee
  
• my meaningful job working for an organization that takes care of and finds good homes for animals
• my art studio, and for being an artist
• the beautiful locale and the great weather here on the North Coast
• my wonderful friends and extended family (friends, all -- no actual kin in my family these days)
• all the things that I have that make my life easier -- new computer, newish car, art tools and supplies among many other things
  
• all the resources I have access to for all my creative endeavors
• the continual life learning experiences
• the ever-growing list of online friends, fans, networks and cyber groups
• anything else I neglected to list above

May you all have a day -- a week, month, year, lifetime -- filled with gratitude. My hugs and love to you.

In Service

About a month before I started my job at the Humane Society, I put up a flyer in the clubhouse at our mobile home park letting folks know I was available to work for them in any number of capacities ~ vacuuming and other cleaning, mending, odd jobs, book work, etc. So of course, now that I AM working, I got a call from an old Dutch woman needing weekly help with her housecleaning. And today was my first time doing that. Just two hours a week, at a better hourly rate than I make at my job.

I never was a house cleaner before, other than my own homes, and I never thought this was something I'd be doing. I dusted her nearly spotless home, vacuumed her clean rug, dusted and mopped her pretty darn shiny floors. Such are the Europeans, I am learning (also from you, dear Nora), that they love to clean, clean, clean their homes. They do things routinely every week that I don't get to in months in my own home!

Really I think Trudy needs the companionship most of all. For me, this is a wonderful opportunity to allow myself to be there for someone else, to let her direct me to do things as she desires, for me to put aside my own agenda, to try to be as egoless as possible. Dharma, is what the Buddha would call it. The work of life, nothing added. When my mind wants to resist this new work I have taken on, I will strive to remember the higher purpose it is meant to fulfill.

Aw, Shucks...

I felt a sense of remorse after signing off the other day. There are more readers here than I realized, because I only hear from a handful of you. Those of you who responded to my last post did let me know that I would be missed. So I'm thinking, maybe what I've got to say has more value than I give myself credit for. After all, I am mighty hard on myself, as you likely know if you've been following me for a while.

So okay, I'm back. I'll write a proper post again soon!

Aloha

I've been thinking seriously about discontinuing this blog. I don't have much to say anymore, and when I do, it seems a rehash of someplace I already got to in my thinking sometime back.

I'm not much into griping and groaning about the state of the world these days, too many folks are already doing that and why should I clog up the airwaves with more of the same?

I'm not much into giving my opinions about this, that or the other thing, movies, books, etc., again just to fill up space and take time.

I'm letting go of some things now, trimming the fat as it were, streamlining and focusing.

I want to thank you all for being loyal readers of this blog for nearly two years, also for your thoughtful comments and support.

Keep me bookmarked if you want to, maybe I'll drop in now and then to say hi. If you're not already reading of my exploits elsewhere on the web, you can follow me at my art blog or on Facebook.

Stream of Consciousness

Where doth the time go! I've been working again for six weeks already! I really like my schedule ~ Wednesday through Friday afternoons, then four days off. And it's little enough time to keep me busy at work, which I far prefer to the frequent boredom I'd always experienced in prior jobs, jobs where I had to be there for 35 to 40 hours a week, where I usually got the work done in half that time, especially after I'd been there a while. Then I would begin to hate being there.

If only I were actually making a living at this job, then things would be perfect! As it is, I'm earning about half my monthly living expenses. And I don't expect it to change. Next year will be really interesting, as I claw my way financially to being able to start collecting social security in February of 2011.

If only I could sell some art, that would surely help. About selling art, I'm stumped. I have four online sales venues plus my own website, I'm on Facebook and Twitter, I have a Facebook Fan Page as well as a regular profile, I have an art blog that I post to regularly and have an increasing number of hits to and comments on, my work is in national and local exhibitions -- and I'm going broke being an artist. It sucks, really. I can't live on the compliments -- all of them genuine. I don't know what else to do. And occasionally it really bothers me.

I won't "do shows", by which I mean schlepping my stuff elsewhere, having a booth and vending. It simply costs far to much money to do these days, and requires an enormous amount of stamina. I know, because I used to do it when I made and sold beaded jewelry. That was ten years ago...I can't, I won't do it again.

If I try something that other artists do and are successful at -- like a selling strategy -- although it works for them, it doesn't work for me. This has been my experience, like, forever. Admittedly, I live in an area where there are more artists per capita than anywhere else in the country. And the folks in this area who are interested in buying art are few and far between. Which is why I've set up shop online and have been doing so for the last couple years. I spent gobs of money marketing locally for a few years, without measureable result. So I think, maybe I need to spend even more time developing online venues, etc. But then there'd be no time to actually make the art.

This is all so frustrating for me. I'm not really down about it, but I'm truly perplexed. These things are on my mind this Friday evening. Have a great weekend!

Peace & Quiet

I'm feeling more peaceful right now than I have in quiet a while. The busyness has abated largely. I'm coming to the end of a 3-week stint where in addition to work I had at least one other big thing to do each week, which caused me to feel somewhat frantic and overloaded. I just can't manage too many large things at once, these days. I don't want to have to, anyway.

And of course, I haven't stopped making art. I simply won't do that. So I haven't let up any in this arena.

Scotty is away for two nights at a business meeting, and I'm happy as a clam, me and BeeGee, having a quiet evening alone together. I went to the studio tonight after supper, got a quilt ready to ship tomorrow, quilted on a piece in progress. I want to start doing this more -- spending evening time in the studio -- so I'm using these two free nights to begin to build that habit.

See you in a few days.