Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Although I'm not sure how I feel about the word reincarnation, I do believe at some level that we humans come into this manifestation with specific lessons our individual souls need to learn.
If this weren't so, then everybody would have the same experiences in life. And how else can you explain bad people having good things happen to them or being gifted with tons of money...or good people repeatedly having bad things happen to them...or people starving and suffering brutality in many parts of the world...
Each of us has something to work out, some major theme (or themes) to work with in this life. For me, the big one is being poor. I've just gotten this, in my gut. I've spent years kicking and screaming and railing against this reality, to no avail. In a larger sense I am in a grief process -- grieving for my life turning out the way it has, grieving for the reality of my situation. I know I've been in a many-years-long phase of denial until recently. I just haven't wanted to admit the truth. And I keep alternating between anger and depression lately, on my way to eventual acceptance. I'm not there yet, though.
I think if my family had been poor, then I wouldn't be having so much difficulty with this. But they weren't. They weren't really rich, but they certainly weren't poor. And they flaunted what they had -- except when it came to me. My mother was stingy with me in both support and spirit.
I lived with some fantasy of trickle down, which never manifested. I was never guided helpfully and instructively in seeing that I had to make choices that would enable me to take care of myself. I was naive for a very long time. This is one of my major failings in life. I didn't see the writing on the wall. I glommed onto some magical thinking that everything would work itself out -- the right partner, the right job, the right location.
And because I never had any help -- neither financial help nor, again, helpful, instructive guidance -- I just kept falling farther and farther behind...until here I am today.
So I'm looking at this more and more as a karmic thing. Not the concept of karma as repayment for erroneous things I did earlier in this life or even in past lives. But karma as, This is my life's work, my life path ~ accepting this life as a poor person and learning to be gracious about it.
This is so hard for me...because everywhere around me I see people I know and people I don't know who do not appear to be having any problems financially, who buy what they want when they want it, who travel extensively with absolutely no thought about what it costs, who's larders are stocked to the gills, who eat out frequently, go to cultural events, buy art, etc. etc. etc. Even right here in rural Humboldt County, people who are in my wider circle of acquaintances who are not rich by typical standards -- but who have the resources to respond to life.
So it is being excruciatingly difficult for me to feel as though I am a part of life, seeing as I cannot afford to participate in it...and for me to feel anything but a second- or third-class citizen. I know my ego is intricately wrapped up in this, that I take it personally. I'm not sure how not to take it personally, as though it is due to some intrinsic lack of mine, or a lifetime of nothing but bad decisions.
Underneath the outer me, I am a soul in manifestation as a human working this thing out of being a conscious, creative person in a bubble of poverty swimming in a sea of financial ease that I am apparently immune to. And my karma, it seems, is to embrace it just the way it is.