Thursday, January 31, 2013
Dust in the Wind
Earlier this month I had an email from my second ex-husband whom I'd had no contact with for over 25 years, someone I did not want to hear from. I didn't respond, hoping he would just go away...but he didn't, he emailed me again a few days later. That time I did let him know, clearly, that I had absolutely no desire to see him or talk to him, ever, and asked him to not contact me again. He was a self-styled con artist -- I'm sure he was coming back around to see if he could scam me again in one way or another.
Yesterday I learned that my mother died earlier this month, five days shy of her 91st birthday. I hadn't had any contact with her in 10 years. I'm not sorry she's gone, I wish it had happened sooner. Nevertheless I feel relieved, freed up to live the rest of my life without the pallor of her insanity hanging over me.
The huge surprise is that I will be getting a bit of a nest egg to assuage my lifelong pain and suffering -- my stepfather had apparently set up a trust for the four of us kids (me, my brother and our two step sibs) of which I was completely unaware. I really did not expect this, I was sure I'd been written out of the will long ago -- and if my mother had had her way, I'm sure I would have been, she was always vindictive among her numerous other character defects. But my stepfather had been an ally, until the stroke he had in 1980 eventually left him incapacitated and wholly dependent upon my mother.
The prospect of having a little money is not going to change anything for me or my way of life. If anything, these last 43 lean years have taught me how to get by on virtually nothing and how to be happy with that. I actually like it this way, life is a whole lot simpler without anything extraneous. The only thing I will do with some certainty is make another trip to Italy sometime in the distant future (after BeeGee) and stay for one to six months. Otherwise, I'm just going to breathe a little more easily knowing I have something to fall back on if anything else big comes along that I want to do. I am not going to piss away my "small fortune" on meaningless stuff. My income is still at the poverty level and that isn't going to change. The amount of my coming nest egg could be gone in a hot minute if not treated with great respect.
I don't have a wish list of stuff I want, and anything I need I already manage to work into my monthly spending budget. I have no intention of moving, even though Rose Cottage is smaller than I'd prefer. I like my independence where I am, I like my neighbors, it's quiet and safe, the rent is affordable on my meager social security income -- and I don't want to change any of that...until the time comes that I have to, for one reason or another.
So, in general life will be no different for me with a small amount of financial breathing room. But since I'd already come to the place where I know I'd be okay for the duration of my life even without a windfall, perhaps now I can open the door just a bit and dust off a dream or two.