Saturday, November 23, 2013
Sometimes I get excited about the possibility of going somewhere, to an art retreat or visiting a place I haven't been in eons, and I'll actually make plans and reservations. But as the event gets closer, I begin to find reasons not to go...and I'll cancel. The reasons are always valid, even though I still could go if I wanted to. But the bottom line is that I realize that I don't really want to do these things as much as I thought I might, at first. It's really not that important to me at the end of the day.
See, the thing is, there really isn't anywhere I want or need to go. There isn't anything I want or need to have badly enough to travel anywhere to get it ~ no thing, no experience, no bucket list. I'd much rather be home, in my cozy nest, with my cat and my art supplies, my comfy bed, my daily round.
I think this is about having a lack of desire. Not as a lack of passion, but as an absence of that sense of grasping at or striving to have anything other than what I already do have. My internal critic wants to make this a bad thing, like I'm not participating enough in life...but I won't let it. It's a good thing, to be satisfied, to feel fulfilled, to have nothing I have to have, nothing I'm highly desirous of enough to impel myself to try to get it.
I think this is an enlightened place to be. I'm not claiming to be enlightened per se, but I'm happy to be in this place. It's a blessing, to feel that you have enough. If I ever do want something badly enough, then I'll get it. Otherwise, I'm grateful to exist in this place of enoughness, where life is the way it is and I'm comfortable with it.